So you got knocked up did ya? Maybe you’ve decided to skip the abortion clinic and give it a go this time, because hey, are we getting any younger? Nope. Might as well have little pant shittin, screamin and yellin, tiny little asshole. I must say however, It’s a lot more interesting than going down to some shitty bar to see your favorite band play that doesn’t go on until 1 AM. I mean, we OG old schoolers are actually OLD and tired, so fuck that shit.
My name is Winter, I am 48 years old and have a 14 year old son. I never wanted a kid, actually, I can’t stand kids. So when I got knocked up at the age of 34, my first thought was “Fuck, not another god damned trip to Planned Parenthood”. So there I was, laying in the tub when my soon to be husband came home, for me to break the bad news. As the tears welled up in his eyes after hearing my immediate decision, as these things go, I then agreed to grow a parasite in my highly toxic womb, that had been exposed to every drug possible throughout my life (including cocaine, heroin, angel dust, ecstasy, TONS of acid, booze, cigarettes, ding dongs and hoho’s (yes, those are drugs too). Oh well, had I wound up with a baby with 2 heads and a tail, I’d be a millionaire from my traveling freak show, but sadly, he came out normal, wound up top of all his classes, straight A’s, honor roll, ever single fucking year and I’m still broke as fuck. On a positive note, this fruit of my womb will most likely become a wealthy billionaire, so he can take care of his crazy punk rock mother and support the plastic surgery tab. Excellent!
So let’s get started.
How to raise a perfectly well behaved child on a budget of ZERO. I say this because after refusing a baby shower, I waited until I was 8 months pregnant to go buy all the very expensive supplies I needed. Crib, stroller, diapers, formula, clothing, bottles, bedding, bouncy things, changing table, gas mask etc. I rolled 2 carts of baby shit to the register at Target, only to find out the tax man had taken every penny from both mine and my husbands accounts. Apparently the ex had a bit of a tax problem and I found out the hard way. We both had bad credit, so no credit cards. So I resorted to friends that had kids, my landlords had kids, yard sales and everything I could get for free. I managed to completely build and/or refurbish junk furniture for my son’s room using found items on the street and his room came out WAY cooler than all that stupid shit you’re gonna buy, use a couple months then pitch. Our society forces us to think we need to buy all this crap. Huge waste of cash. Fuck society, fuck mainstream, MAKE IT PUNK ROCK!! Like these beat as fuck hand me down Little Tykes cars, I murdered out for Waylon and his friend Will. All you need is a glue gun, spray paint and every punk rocker has some leopard fabric and fur laying around. NOTE: These are much more fun to make while drinking a 30 pack of cheap beer and smoking a pack of cigarettes.
BEFORE....
AFTER....
AND WILL’S GREEN MACHINE...
Things to do with your baby, when you are on maternity leave, and bored.
We’ve already established that we Punkers own glue guns and all sorts of crafty shit. It’s always best to decorate a newborn when they are sleeping, so you can get lots of blackmail pics when they start dating. Here are some ideas!
No newborn is complete without a Homemade GG Allin onsie.
Be sure to get lots of blackmail photos like this one, (I’ll have to give creds to Mattel and the “My Size Barbie”). Slather them all over the internet at the first sign you suspect they start stealing booze from the liquor cabinet without asking you first.
Always have a supply of googly eyes on hand, or just make your own!
Those little tiny bottles of booze where not made for grownups! Waylon’s first birthday and toddler size Jim Beam.
You can see here why the large size bottles don’t work for toddlers. They eventually just get mad and give up.
Never too young for Porn. Thank goodness nowadays we parents don’t have to sit our kids down and talk about the birds and bees. It’s all over the internet now, so they can do their own research!
DINGOS ATE MY BABY!
Get em on a bike ASAP. Even if it makes them cry.
MOST IMPORTANT...TEACH THEM THE FAMILY FINGER....
Tips on how to avoid, toddler tantrums and general shit child behavior.
The very moment your child starts to speak and watch TV, I suggest Labyrinth (starring David Bowie AKA Goblin king, that steals babies), sit that little turd down in front of the TV and make him watch it. The minute that kid starts to throw down in public, pick up your phone and tell him you’re calling David Bowie to come pick him up immediately. You will see nothing but tears and hear nothing but SILENCE.
My other method that still works, if he gets anything less than an A on his report card, I just threaten to return him to the hospital where I got him, or drop him off at the local fire station.
How to deal with the “other” parents.
Once your child reaches the age of public school, including kindergarten, be sure to throw a birthday party for your child and invite his entire class and the parents. Also invite all your friends with tattoos, pot smokers, cigarette smokers, basically all your favorite and most offensive friends. Provide as much booze as you can and ditch the red cups. Hide nothing. Ever been to a kids party with no booze? Don’t do it. Stay home and rub shit in your hair instead. As the PC perfect parents start rolling in, have your scary tattooed friends pick up their babies with a 40 of Old English in the other hand. watch them run out the door faster than a hooker on adderol. The parents that stay and partake in the festivities, the ones who do not judge, the ones who also have perfectly well behaved children like yours, will stay....and these parents will be the ones that will stick with you for life. I am very lucky to this day to have my PUNKYMOMS PARENTS. You can cut a lot of shit by joining PUNKYMOMS.COM. Punkymoms also has a great facebook group where you can cuss, bitch and share diaper explosion stories.
If you must engage in conversation with “other” parents, be sure to let them know that you smoked during your pregnancy, possibly did not breastfeed and drank a 6 pack of beer immediately upon arriving home from the hospital. These conversations are best when their kid is running loose at the mall, knocking shit off the aisles and screaming for an Xbox, that this PC parent will never buy them, nor let them watch TV and force them to do everything they don’t want to do, all the while your perfect child will stand next to you, quietly gawking at the display destroying, demon spawn. When my son and I see these displays of rotten uteral waste, I always thank my son for never behaving in such a manner. These children raised by the “other” parents, tend to often wind up with shitty, rebellious, bullying little fucks.
Dealing with the school, PTA, what to wear, etc.
You will unfortunately have to go to the school for parent teacher conferences. You want to be sure at your parent teacher meetings, you look as punk rock as possible. Something like this...
After the teachers shock wears off, they will tell you what a joy it is having your child in their class and you will humbly thank them for being an amazing teacher.
Chances are, you will go check out a PTA meeting. Refer to the above photo for proper attire. These meetings are extremely boring, however it is your chance to stand up and speak your mind, regarding any issues or suggestions you have to better your child’s education. Be sure to have a couple cocktails before you go, so you don’t start punching “other” parents. Definitely donate cash to the PTA even if it’s 10 bucks. This money goes straight to your kids school, so they can purchase books, computers, musical instruments, condom machines etc. Keep in mind, your school will also except donations of computers, ipads, craft supplies, instruments and Xanax for the teachers, so they don’t start punching kids. The government keeps cutting school budgets every year and the money they save by doing so is not going to your kids school but into the pockets of politicians that are spending it on prostitutes.
The “other” PC parents will hate you for all reasons, so after throwing down with a few and winning, as they are laying on the concrete, pull out your phone, hold it up to the one ear they still have left and play them the song “Harper Valley PTA”, as to remind them of how perfect of a parent they are NOT. This will probably be your first and last PTA meeting and this is a very good thing.
My very last and most important tips on raising your perfect spawn.
Absolutely do not change who you are, just because you are a parent now. I’ve watched this tragic act happen so many times. If you change who you are, you will be miserable. A miserable parent produces a miserable child. Keep drinking, smoking, cussing, get more tattoos, throw parties and expose your child to all if it. Bring your kid to the tattoo shop so they can see you get their name carved onto your body. Never lie to them or hide your past. Tell them about your mistakes, getting thrown in jail, bad drug experiences, etc. I remember taking Waylon to see the film “Straight out of Compton” and when the Rodney King scene came up, he leans over and says “Mom! You where there! That’s the time you went to jail right?” Right. Right kiddo.
Once they hit the age of tween, DO NOT tell them how to dress. They are not YOU. Let them develop their own style. Preppy? Jock? Hesher? Long hair or short hair? Transgender? Who cares. Follow their lead. My son doesn’t even wear black. We’ll call this phase the “I just want to blend in”. These phases change often and the best part is watching them happen.
Now that you have the techniques down and your child is obviously gifted honor roll, buy them whatever they want. Let them eat whatever they want. Let them go wherever they want, even after dark. So long as that homework gets done and your kid is staying top off the class, you will not have to call David Bowie on the phone and ain’t nobody wants this shit to happen....
HAPPY PUNK ROCK PARENTING MY FRIENDS AND GOOD LUCK!!
