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TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS ME OFF!!!
BY JAYNE COUNTY
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10. Fall out with everyone then expect me to fall out with you!! NOPE! I will do that for very few people. One I can think of right off the bat, but that is a special friend and the falling out was well called for! If you have a hard time getting along with people INCLUDING MY FRIENDS, tough shit!!! I don*t care what the fuck they did to you! WTF did you do to make them pissed off at you??? I like my friends and I have had some of them for YEARS. So count me out in your MGM dramas and calling everyone a trouble maker just because they don*t agree with you!!! Falling out AGAIN!!?? Well go on and fall honey! I ain*t gonna catch you!!!
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9. Tell me that you are *praying for me!* Go fuck yourself you religious shithead!!! You have NO RIGHT to pray for me. I can do that myself, and I don*t need a backward thinking retarded Jesus freak to pray for me. Do what the Bible says to do. Go into your closet or a closed room and pray in private, and keep me out of it!!! I have nothing against Jesus but people like you who project your twisted idiotic, version of a fake Jesus that suits your own narrow minded IGNUNT, view point, make me vomit enough puke to fill a Baptist church!!! Actually the worst thing about the Baptist Church is that when they babtize they don*t hold them under the water long enough!!! Pray for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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8. Ask me if my tits are real! Of course they are real asshole! What a question to ask a beautiful Goddess such as I. Are you blind? Can*t you see? Aren*t they bubbling up and down in my bra enough for you? Just because you are a flat chested piece of cardboard dressed in a French sack dress that looks like you threw on one of your Mother*s old pillow cases, dosn*t give you the right to ask me if my tits are real! And NO THEY ARE NOT PLASTIC! They grew on their on free will and there is no silicone or pine cones or any other kind of cones in there! Just big hot tits for your eyes pleasure!! Eye candy for the faint of heart!!! Now, shut the fuck up and go have a hearty attack you jerk!!!
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7.Ask me if I know the way to San Hose! What??? Are you fucking CRAZY??? Do I look like Dionne Warwick!? Los Angeles as as far as I go honey! Now PULL YOUR PANTS UP AND GET THE HELL OUTTA MY CAR!!!!!!!!!
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6. Blow cigarette smoke in my face while I am trying to eat my cheese burger with French fries and extra mayo. A big slab of sweet onion and pickles. MMMMMMMM!!!!! I am making myself hungry as a stray cat in heat walking a thin white line between food and sex!!!!!!!!!!! YUMMY YUM YUM as Ralf Cramden would say!!! Hey, I choose not to smoke so I resent you blowing your smelly smoke into my face giving me cancer and a number of breathing disorders while I attempt to stuff my stomach like a Thanksgiving turkey! If I die, it will be from over eating not cancer!!! And that*s my choice. Just like it is my choice to be the reincarnation of Queen Neferititi of Ancient Egypt. And it*s not the great LSD I took, making me say that! But that fucking smoke! What are you? Mount Versuvius or Mount Saint Helen*s? PLEASE!!! At least have the courtesy to wait until I am finished stuffing my face with high cheek bones, before you light up like a fucking ROCKET TO HELL..Better yet. Move to another table and let me eat my dead cow cheeseburger in peace!!! But before you get up would you PLEASE PASS THE MUSTARD!!!
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5. Sit next to me in a movie theatre and FART! God I hate that!!! The smell of popcorn and hot dogs do not go very well with the smell of SHIT!!! So either put a butt plug in it or get the fuck up and sit somewhere else. It*s hard enough to watch this film starring Justin Beber without having to smell your smelly farts! And what are the media trying to do to us?? Turn us all into pedophiles?????? Did I spell that right? Who cares??? Gemme that popcorn and here, stick this empty Chocolate Covered Raisins box up your anal canal! OK when is Justin taking his shirt off?
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4. Call me HE!!! It*s SHE, you Transphobic son of a sugar cane sucker!!! Sure, I go to all this trouble of growing tits, getting a figure like Dolly Parton and wearing enough make up and hair spray to kill an entire ocean of fish, just so you can call me HE!!! What a jerk! If you were a RepubliKKKan, at least I could understand!!! But you voted for O Bomb Ma, so YOU SHOULD BE OPEN MINDED AND EDUCATED, RIGHT????????? RIGHT??? RIGHT??? Oh, never mind! I guess an asshole is an asshole no matter what kind of shit comes outta it!!!
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3. Serve me a TOFU TURKEY ON THANKSGIVING!!!!!! Are you outta your fucking mind??? I want a real DEAD TURKEY!!! I want a wing and a drumstick!!! And mashed potatoes. And cranberry sauce. And pumpkin pie! And pecan pie!! And sweet potato pie!! It*s THANKSGIVING and I wanna both, EAT and FEEL like a stuffed turkey!!! I know. Yes I feel sorry for the dead bird. I have tried to be a vegetarian millions of times, now I am old and closer to death myself and I wanna eat a DEAD BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So God, I thank you for this dead turkey that so humbly gave its life so I can live and enjoy THANKSGIVING eating a real dead turkey with all the trimmings!!! THANK YOU JESUS, GOD, MOSES, SHIVA AND THE PROPHET EZEKIEL!!! MMMMMMMMMMMM MORE GRAVY FOR MY MASHED POTATOES!!! Dee Dee Sharp, you are soooooooooooooo right! Gemme GRAVY for my MASHED POTATOES, GEMME GEMME GEMME GEMME GRAVY TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!
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2. Give me LSD but tell me it*s a down to make me sleep!!! You insane piece of fried Giraffe poop!!!!!!! Whats wrong with you? DO YOU WANNA DIE???????? Ever heard of CHARLES MANSON??? Or The Shangra Las On Acid and The Manson Girls? Plus you drank all my milk and left me none for coffee!!!!!!! You surely WANNA DIE A THOUSANDS TIMES AND OVER!!! And don*t think that all that bedroom furniture you have piled up against your door is gonna help!!! I will get you if I have to burn the house down around you! They are coming to take me away ha ha! ACID IS GROOVY , KILL THE PIGS!!!!!!! Do you spell groovy with vy or a vey??? I don*t fucking know, I*m tripping my brains out!!!!! There's a piece of chewing gum on my heel and I keep pulling at it and it won*t come off!! OH NO!!! THAT*S NOT CHEWING GUM! THAT*S MY HEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever you do, DO NOT play the three hour live version of *In A Gotta Danny Devitto!!! by The Iron Butterfly!!! That drum solo sends me into violent tantrums of INSANE 60*S DANCES!!! Like, THE JERK! THE MASHED POTATOES! THE TWIST! THE SWIM! THE HUCKLEBUCK! THE PHILLY! THE CROSSFIRE! THE SHIMMY! THE FLY! THE BOOGALOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I think I am coming down now! Put on some classical music and lets cook up a Mexican omelet with rye bread and home fries!! What kind of ACID was that? Oh it was FABULOUS!! Let*s do it again sometime! In about A HUNDRED YEARS!!!
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ONE! CALL ME LADY BUNNY!!! I am NOT LADY BUNNY!!! She isn*t the only person who teases up her wigs to Heaven and wears Dusty Springfield make up!!! I been doing it for almost 50 fucking years!!! At Max*s, At the Club 82, At CBGBs, all over the fucking WORLD!! If you would come out of your narrow little world of Gay bars and read both your GAY AND ROCK HISTORY, you would know better, you idiot!! AND NO, I will not play *Madonna!!!* This is a ROCK club and I am the fucking DJ and I do not play Madonna!! Nor Lady Gag Me With A Double Headed Dildo, or any kind of RAP music! I will however play some MOTOWN! But I am not LADY BUNNY an I play only ROCK and PUNK and GLAM ETC. at this here club!!! I play THE BEATLES, THE STONES THE PRETTY THINGS THE WHO THE SEX PISTOLS THE DAMNED THE NEW YORK DOLLS THE STANDELLS THE HEARTBREAKERS ETC ETC ETC. GET THE PICTURE ASSHOLE??? Lady Bunny is a dear friend of mine and I love her dearly but it pisses me off for you to call me LADY BUNNY! I AM NOT LADY BUNNY! I AM NOT LADY BUNNY! I AM NOT LADY BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!! And I DO NOT take requests!!! SO DROP DEAD!!!
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