Dear Lo Do; IA'm a singul vailabull feller
livin in one of them, gud trailers in a nice
park in Spuzzum Canader. I sure lik the way
you rite yOu sound smart AND purty. I gots'd a
gud job{chikenplukr} an make losta money.
Can I by you a drink sumtime.
ps I gots'd the best Corning ware in MY
trayler.
Hurtin fer U. Spuzzum B.C.
Dear Spuzzum
BC
Your sweet letter brought a smile to my face
and made me reminisce about all the various
men in my and my beautiful daughter Kathi's
past. I sometimes kick myself for saying no to a
marriage proposal from Ty Pennington but at
the time he was a nobody with a megaphone. He
would drive my darling daughter Kathi crazy
with that megaphone. We would all be at a Four
Star Restaurant and Ty would insist on
ordering for us all -using that awful loud
abrasive megaphone.
This brought back painful memories for Kathi
from her days when she worked for Kenny
Rogers at his famed Kenny Roger's Chicken
Franchise. It seemed that Kathi was more than
just just an employee in Kenny's mind and he
began stalking her. It was horrible.. Kathi
would be working the drive thru window and
Kenny would place an order -his gravel voice
sounding alot like Ty's. When Kenny drove
thru to the window he would have a bottle of
Ever Clear 100 proof exposing himself to
poor Kathi. This went on for nearly two years
until I contacted my old pal, Gloria Alred,
who put a end to Kenny's "Choking The Chicken"
once and for all. We went in front of Judge
Maybelline who warned Kenny " Do it one more
time to Kathi and I will personally cut that
greasy old gizzard off myself."
So when that night with Ty and his
megaphone....Kathi's nightmare memories of
Kenny's gravel voice thru that speaker box
took over- she went ballistic and clocked Ty
with a hammer from his tool belt. Luckily for Ty
he only needed 200 stitches and was back at
work the next day.
Now what time do you wanna meet Kathi and I
for cocktails?
Lois
Dear Lo
Do:
I am an oldschool raawker with beautiful red headed
wife. She's sort of the
60s Tina Louise type. We are farmers in Canada and I
am very happy with our
lives. My wife never wants to go out and have fun
anymore, she just wants
to sew, do scrapbooking and hunt frogs with the kids
in our ponds. Will I
ever get to Raawk again Lo Do?
Not Dead Yet...Chilliwack, B.C.
Dear Not Dead Yet:
Funny you should mention the lovely Tina Louise in
your question because it was Tina who saved my
beautiful daughter Kathi from having a Frontal
Lobotomy when she was faced with almost the
very same quandary you have.
Kathi was an avid watcher and fan of the CBS hit
show "Green Acres " on TV Land. One day out of the
blue... Kathi decided that she and I should go
on a road trip staying with various farm folk to
learn some "good common sense." Oh it was a sight
to behold seeing the two of us in bib overalls and
DE-Tasseling corn, Slopping the Pigs and Plucking
Chickens and making Moonshine just like "common
hill people."
My very near and dear friends Omarosa Stallworth
and Janice Dickinson decided to travel with us
and film a documentary of our adventures. They
thought it would make a good movie and took the
idea to the networks but oddly enough - we never
heard back from them.
Well imagine our shock when Fox Television broadcast
"The Simple Life" having Nicole Ritchie taking on
Kathi's role and Paris Hilton as myself- the one and
only -LOIS DOLAN .
Kathi had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized
in a deep trance. One day her Nurse Rosa Lopez had
the TV on and a rerun of "Gilligan's
Island" featuring the glamorous Tina Louise as
"Ginger" appeared on the screen. Kathi
immediately bolted up out of that hospital bed as
if she had been struck by Lightning. She dashed
home and put on her "Sexiest" Janet Weiss ( "Rocky
Horror Picture Show" ) outfit on and high tailed it
off to the Strand Theater. In no time flat she
was kicking up her heels in front of that screen,
laughing lipsyncing and having a grand ole
time.... Not a care in the World.
Of course you will rock again my dear.
Lois
Dear Lo- Do-
(Lois):
I am going crazy with this ugly jerk neighbor above me.
He drives me nuts with his loud overbearing big mouth booming,
horrible taste in music (he dresses hardcore punk, but listens
to techno dance) and constant pacing back and forth like he has
a bad case of the runs. It's not like he ever wears anything
special except his work boots from Payless Shoes and his
only two strands of hair gelled and extended out from his
baldhead like antennas. What can I do?
I Hate Tuna - Los
Angeles, CA
Dear I Hate
Tuna:
I so relate to your problem. I feel so much sympathy for anyone
who has lived with my darling daughter Kathi. She is in non-stop
rehearsals for "The Wizard Of Oz", "Rocky Horror Picture Show"
and now "Napoleon Dynamite" will it ever end? Mind you, I am not
a prude but it seems like she is very clumsy, tripping and
falling down all the time- not to mention singing off key. It
was like having Starr Jones living in the house. I have no idea
why Kathi (and Starr for that matter) had her big mouth open in
the first place. Her performances on stage, entails only
lip-syncing to the movies that are playing on the screen, so why
so much racket? I called my close pal Carmen Elecktra (we are
so much alike, almost like twins) to see exactly how she handled
Dennis Rodman's loud parties. Carmen gave me her magic number
for peace and quiet - 911- I myself have had my lovely daughter
Kathi arrested 4 times for disturbing the peace.
Lo-Do
Dear Lois:
I was having a terrible time with this guy. He was a heavy drinker
and abusive. I want nothing to do with him. He begged me to take him
back. Not a chance pal- He left some of his valuable stuff at my
house. What should I do?
2 to Life
Dear 2 to Life:
Your question brought back painful memories for my beautiful
daughter Kathi. A few months back I took pity on and hired an
alleged musician to work as a Cabana Boy to take care our 60 foot
heated pool. It started off with small amounts of change missing
from Kathi's wallet, and then we began getting obscene telephone
calls. Then some out of focus photo's of us in states of undress in
our elegant changing room by the pool came in the mail. Can you
believe the gall of this pushy photographer she even enclosed a
cheap business card with outrageous prices listed for duplicates of
this filth. I smelled extortion so I immediately called my good pal
Shug Knight and filled him in about this "deadbeat" and we have NOT
heard a peep from this wanna be Frank Sinatra Cabana Boy and the
dime store photographer. Lesson is never let a con into your life
unless you have back up. As my old drinking buddy, Judge Judy would
say "sell his things, think of it as recovery money for pain and
suffering.'
Lo-Do
********************
Dear Lo-Do:
I am a single gal and I am looking
for my Prince Charming. Someone who is kind, supportive,
respectful and most important loving. Where do I go to meet such a
man?
M. Sherman
House Springs, MO
Dear M Sherman:
This is a question my beautiful daughter Kathi asks me daily. I really
have never had that problem. I have the gift of gab, as well as good
looks, so people are in general attracted to me. I have had the
fortune of knowing so many men in my life.. It is ridiculous!! My good
pal, Tyra Banks, cannot believe I am 64 years old. She thinks I look
younger than Kathi...
Now what was your question? Oh, just go to a bar like "Hooters" or "Scores."
Look for an old big spender with lots of gold chains and rings. You
will find your "prince charming" in no time. It is with that same sage
advice that Anna Nicole Smith met her late husband Howard.. Go For It Girl!!
Lo- Do
********************
Dear Lo-Do:
I play guitar in a famous band. I thought all was going great, until my
bass player and drummer up and quit. What should I do? I have a huge show
in SF in July. I am frantic, help me find me someone. FAST!
Lost Working At Home Depot
East L.A. , CA
Dear Lost @ Home Depot:
You are in a Pickle. I had a similar problem when I was remodeling
my beautiful Victorian Mansion in S.F...The house is located in Pacific
Heights near Danielle's Steel's home. Anyway, I was frantically
looking for some reputable help. Then low and behold while driving in a
seedy area of the city, I saw a sign, that said, "will work cheap." Of all
places in front of the HOME DEPOT.
I hired them on the spot and these fellows did amazing work for pennies on
the dollar. They even installed a 60 foot heated indoor pool, that my
lovely daughter Kathi and I do laps in.
Perhaps, you would like to apply for a Cabana Boy position with Kathi and
I. This will help you pay for some pro musicians to play with you.
Plus you will be in SF. Problem Solved.
Lo-Do
********************
Dear Lo-Do (Lois):
I saw you on My Space and I have
only one problem. How can I win your heart? I think I love you.. We can run
my biker bar together.
Billy D Your Man in San Diego, Ca
Dear Billy D:
As good as your proposition sounds, I am looking for that "pot of gold" and
I don't think it will be at your bar.
Your proposal reminds me of one long night with Donald Trump. We were at a
bar drinking shots of Tequila. After about 15 shots, Donald
looked at me "Lois -- we''re going to the Reno to get married." It was 1:30
AM, I picked up my daughter Kathi at The York Theater to be my bridesmaid..
Kathi was dressed as Dorothy Gale. She had our little Scottish Terrier
in a basket for her on stage performance in front of a Midnight Showing of
"The Wizard Of Oz."
We hit the road .. Unfortunately, I got caught doing 110 in a school zone.
The Arresting Cop looked at Kathy, then at Donald and I. He then named us
Auntie Em, The Powerful Wizard, Dorothy and Toto. He demanded we walk a
straight line down the yellow brick road. Alas, we were detained
and I never became Lois Trump..
Lo-Do
Dear Lois:
I want you now! Please ditch the other jokers be a groupie
for Johnny Satanseed Express.
Love you To bits
Johnny
Dear Johnny:
Give me time to go to my closet and pull out the Daisey Duke shorts that
Jim Dandy the lead vocalist from Black Oak Arkansas gave me.. He wanted
me to sing back-up for the band. I was Jim Dandy's "main squeeze'
during the bands peak and it was Jim himself who taught me how to
make 100 proof "moonshine."
Of course, I was merely a young child
at the time, so my darling daughter Kathi never got to see me dressed
like "Ellie Mae Clampett on Crack.."
Lo-Do
Dear Lo-Do:
My boyfriend is putting pressure on me to visit his parents with him.. I am
not exactly the type of girl that they want dating their son. They think I
am cheap and sleazy. Do you have any advice?
Morticia
Dear Morticia:
I can relate to your problem although it is not something I have ever
experienced myself. All of my boyfriends families have absolutely adored me
and begged me to be a part of their family. In fact I was a VIP guest of
Oprah's at her recent party honoring the Black Women she most admired.. I
ran into an old flame John Travolta who told me his family still ask about
me.
Now, my daughter Kathi has not had my good luck. Her boyfriend Ned’s family
did not think she was good enough for their son. They wanted a solid farm
girl to work at their Meat Locker. She was absolutely devastated by this
rejection. She begged me to ask my good pal Sally Jessie Raphael, for a
Makeover. Three weeks later poor Kathi came home weighing 220 with a red bob
hair-do, wearing a dowdy size 20 pants suit and large red glasses. Ned’s
family liked the change but she knew this look was not for her. 'Show Biz '
was in her blood.. She cried herself to sleep for nearly a week. It really
put a damper on her dressing in skimpy lingerie as “Janet Weiss”, in front
of the midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" at The Strand
Theater. She was counter plating suicide until I bought her a long flowing
light golden brown wig. I also made her run 40 miles a day to get back to
her hour glass figure.
The moral of this story is do not alter your appearance for anyone but
yourself.
Lo-Do
